Invasion of the Foreign Flowers
- Baye McNeil
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Taking out the trash this morning, I noticed some pretty flowers had just sprung up out of nowhere in our front yard. I called my wife, Miki, who was in the kitchen, to come out and see the beautiful array.
They were a peachy tangerine color and kinda looked like Poppies. They were really quite beautif—
Miki: I don't like them!
Miki had appeared suddenly, standing in the doorway, two feline sentinels at her feet.
Me: What’s not to like? They're beautiful!
Miki: They are not Japanese.
Me: What the hell are you talking about? Do you mean they’re not from Japan?
Miki: Exactly. And they pop up all over the place, anywhere, like—
Her mind searched for the right word, but I didn't wait...
Me: Are you serious? They're just flow—
Miki: Like COVID. Yeah! They are like a virus.
Me: A virus??!! They're just flowers. Geezus.
Miki: I know, but 気持ち悪い (They creep me out!)
Me: Why? Are they weeds? Fungus or something?
Miki: No. They came from another country.
Me: And??? (I snap, thinking, "Hey, so do I!")
Miki: You remember when China was sending those strange seeds in the mail all over the place?
Me: Yeah, of course, I remember. Freaked me out when we got that shit in the mail.
Miki: Exactly!!
Miki gives me her ほら('Nuff said on that matter) face.
Me: Please tell me you’re kidding. You’re starting to spook me.
Miki: I'm not kidding!
Me: I know. That's the spooky part.
Miki smirked.
Me: Miki, my love. Look at them. They’re harmless!
Miki: How do you know?
Me: They're fucking flowers, that’s how I know!
Miki: I know, but where did they come from? ね?! Why are they here? ね?! What do they want? ね?! (You tell me, you know so fucking much!?)
She’d put a shitload of stink on that ね(Ne). ね is one of those Japanese expressions that can mean whatever the hell the user wants it to mean, and other Japanese people somehow know what the user intended. Slowly, I’ve come to know Miki’s "ね"s. It took me years of trial and error, though.
Me: What do they want??? Do you even hear yourself? Help me, Lord. I done married a maniac.
She sucked her teeth and hissed loud enough to freak out Fu and Drew. They scampered away from her at top speed.
Miki: You don't know. お前は馬鹿外人だから絶対知らないだ (Cuz’ you're an ignorant foreigner with his head up his ass and will never understand Japan or Japanese!)
Me: Whatever. They ain't pests; they're plants. This isn't an infestation. And it ain't Invasion of the Body Snatchers, either! These are NOT alien pods. They're probably Poppies.
Miki: YES!!! That's the word!
Me: What? Poppies?
Miki: No, Invasion!!
It suddenly occurred to me exactly what Charlie Brown means when he cries, “Good grief.”
Me: Good grief! (I cried)
Miki: It’s true! They have invasion-ed Japan. They're all over! I saw it on the Internet!
Me: Oh, you saw it on the Internet? Why didn’t you say so in the first place?
I would have laughed, but I could see in her eyes that she was dead-ass serious. To her, saying she saw it on Japanese social media is the same as my saying I read it in the New Yorker or heard it on NPR.
Miki: Are you making a joke? Cuz I’m not joking!
Me: What about those purple flowers over there in front of the temple? Are they invaders, too? They just came out of nowhere, didn't they?
Miki shot them a glance.
Miki: Yeah, but those are Japanese wildflowers! They are beautiful.
Me: Ah ha! So, let me see if I got this straight: These beautiful flowers (I gestured at the poppies. or whatevers, in our yard) make you, er, uncomfortable because they come from, let's just say, elsewhere, and those purple flowers (I stabbed a finger at the flowers across the road) are OK because they come from Japan?
Miki: Well, now that you put it that way, I can see why you're making that face.
Me: What face?
Miki: That face! Your "these goddamn Japanese!" face.
I laughed. Hard! Damn, do I have a face that screams "These Goddamn Japanese"? Because THAT would explain a LOT, actually!
Me: Don't try to flip this shit. This is about you, not me.
Miki: These flowers make me uncomfortable, you're right. But you want to turn it into I'm being racist against flowers.
Me: I'm not saying that, I'm just saying—
Miki: Huh?? What?? Are you saying you’re not saying?? What the hell are you saying? Speak English!
I realized I’d gone full Brooklyn on her.
Me: What I’m saying is, I ain’t judging you. You don't like these flowers, and you have your reasons. Fine. I'm not fond of those reasons, but that's my problem.
Miki: Yes, that IS your problem!
Me: I know we are talking about flowers, not people. And I know you don't feel that way about people. Otherwise, you wouldn't be married to this foreign flower, would you?
I said this while pointing at my nose and winking.
Miki: Whatever.
Me: And I thought you people were supposed to be tree huggers! What bullshit!
Miki was about to protest, but quickly realized I was kidding cuz I never referred to the Japanese as “you people.” Only then did she crack a smile, followed immediately by a funky harangue in Japanese that I couldn't catch. Probably was using her Gifu-ben (hometown dialect), I can't catch at all.
I felt like Lucy Ricardo when Ricky gets pissed and goes full Havana on her. I warmed inside at the memory of one of my all-time favorite comedies and the many similarities between Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball’s cross-cultural romance and my relationship with Miki.
And for a moment, I imagined Miki and me having a TV show.
Wouldn’t that be something?
Miki: What are you grinning at?
Me: Nothing.
Miki: うそつき(I see right through you)!
I hope you enjoyed this excerpt from "Words by Baye, Art by Miki." Japan has never been captured in more of its glory! It's my best work to date and an absolute must-read for all! Get yours here:
PS: I fed AI this story and asked if it could extract from it images that capture the story in a compelling way. For your viewing pleasure, so to speak, I posted some of the results below.
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