Everybody Staring At My ‘You Know What!’

Chilling at my favorite onsen in the mountains of Kusatsu

Co-worker: Are you looking forward to Friday?

Me: Always. Why? Is something special happening this Friday?

CW: Eee? The nomikai (drinking party) is Friday night!

Me: Really? I didn’t hear anything about it…

(This is, unfortunately, a common occurrence. Things like these tend to slip between the cracks)

CW: What?? Nobody told you??

Me: …

CW: Oh my god! So sorry.

Me: Don’t worry about it…no big deal. Where? In Tokyo?

CW: No, in Chiba.

Me: Chiba? Kinda far for a nomikai (drinking party), isn’t it?

CW: We are staying until morning…it’s at an onsen. (Hot Springs)

Me: Oh! I see… (my initial reaction, that childish emotional response of “Didn’t want to go on your stupid trip, anyway,” must have registered on my traitorous face.)

Buy me a cup of coffee (or even a brew if you're feeling generous)

CW: So sorry, baye-sensei…to be honest (she glances around), I don’t want to go. I envy you. I have to go.

Me: Is the school paying for it?

CW: (She laughs uproariously) Of course not! It's 28000 yen!

Me: Ouch!

CW: Are you sure you’re OK?

Me: Of course. Since you were honest with me, let me be frank with you: I wouldn’t have gone even if I had been invited. It just woulda been nice to be invited.

CW: Really? Why not?

Me: I hate public onsens…that is to say, I hate going to public onsens and getting naked in front of co-workers. I feel so awkward, with everybody staring at my ‘You know what…’  You know?  And making comments about my…’you know what…’

CW: (innocently perplexed) Your what? I know what?

(I give her some deep eye contact…then look down at my crotch…she followed my eyes down…)

Me: You know what I mean??

(She burst out laughing again, drawing attention…)

Me: 🤫 Shhh! Seriously! (whispering now) I ain’t got no problem getting nude in front of men, but here it’s like we got to have this conversation about siz…(I catch myself) I mean about ‘you know what.’

CW: That’s how they say it in America? Your ‘you know what’?

Me: Yeah, sometimes...depends. 

CW: That’s so funny! So, you never go to onsen?

Me: I love onsen. But not the public onsen ones…only private ones. Or ones where I don’t know anybody, where me and my ‘you know what’ can relax without prying eyes. 

At an onsen in Nikko, bathing beneath the blooming cherry blossoms

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the finishing touches on the new book!! Brace your you know whats!